[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
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cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
what’s really going on
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist