“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
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me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?