I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
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Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
They did not miss in the small print
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.