Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
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I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
hmm conte-me mais
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water