We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
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IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him