When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
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“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.