What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
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upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
the composer
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
who will stop them
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.