Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

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If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.


This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:


I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.


I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.


[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything


ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!


Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!


8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?