@adamgreattweet bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
@Ngamsi_ Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
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@adamgreattweet 
@mellimelle You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
@junejuly12 If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
@LionessElise This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
@leontymccarthy I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
@marcusparkersol Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
@bazlyons I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
@TheHyyyype [philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
@waydybee Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
@mommajessiec 8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?