Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
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My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
man i love columbo
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Found the job I’m suited for
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
2022: I can fix it
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running