The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
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Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..