Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
You Might Also Like
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.