[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
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*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.