*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
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Stop.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
But I really needed water water water
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”