I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
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we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Octopus – 8 arms
Octagon – 8 sides
Octuplets – 8 babies
October – 8th month
I’m burning this world down
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.