@SlenderSwab

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

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@AnOrangeSNES

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

@FredTaming

we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool

@LurkAtHomeMom

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

@BuckyIsotope

Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down

@panmidwest

Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality

@STRIKINGxVIKING

[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]

Bruce: Viagra!

Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-

Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!

Dr: Ok

*Bruce Dies…Hard*

@QwertyJones3

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

@thegoodgodabove

Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.

You can stop sacrificing goats now.

@DeadLioness

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.