if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
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Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me: