Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
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when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.