Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
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Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.