My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
You Might Also Like
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.