“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
You Might Also Like
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
My favorite female superhero
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
black phone good
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’