Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
You Might Also Like
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.