Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
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“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
He just like my cat fr
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—