Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
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Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
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When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
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Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
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me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.