priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
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was Jim off killing horses or…
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week