I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
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Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die