Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican

mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!

Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open

I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.

How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?

bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring

jeweler: how many karats

bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much

Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.

when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’

Head Chef: You’re fired.

Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-

Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

I wanted to look sharp!

Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.

Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…

Now, I look like an idiom.

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.