Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
You Might Also Like
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
IT’S-A ME,
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.