Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
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Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
“our sushi is very fresh”
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
When you kidnap a writer.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah