As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
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NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Generation gap…
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
A dad and his duck
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.