A dad and his duck
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If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I’ve had worse
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
We all have our pet causes.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
some things should go without saying
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.