My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
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How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Why are bridges so flammable.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I am crying
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?