@Swishergirl24

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

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@IAmKatieOrr

HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.

@snatch_stache

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

@mdob11

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

@kentgrossarth

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.

@deardilettante

If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.

@randomlawless

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

@HeatherLuvsYou

A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.

@justabloodygame

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

@KentWGraham

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

@slimmy_shady

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.