HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
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Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.