When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
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Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.