does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
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@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Batman v Dracula
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.