Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
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*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
A woman drives into a bar.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.