@velcrofannypack

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

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@hansabumsadaisy

What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?

A bookworm!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes

@KickSumHunibuns

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

@cogentanalysis

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

@ThisOneSayz

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

@ThisOneSayz

*Organizing closet*

Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?

Me: Oh, just put it with the others.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

@aspiringtoucan

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

@seamussaid

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

@Fulkery1

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

@david8hughes

[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked