Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
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“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
How times have changed.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
bears
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots: