i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
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Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.