7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
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Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that