TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
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Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone