Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
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Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
The internet is full of many things
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
HELP 😭
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud