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My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
God has abandoned us.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.