Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
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My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
This is a whole mood;
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card