when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
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Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
This will never not be funny to me.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.