Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
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Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Worth the read.
Whoa 😂
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Banking tips
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling