i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
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Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
I just tested negative for patience.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.