amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
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According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Welcome
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73