Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
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doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”