I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
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[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up