@ristolable

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

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@ThisRebelSoul

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

@LostFelicia

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

@jonnysun

ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE

@chuuew

WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich

@krishna_van

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

@JefeJK47

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

@abbycohenwl

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

@FatherWithTwins

I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE