I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
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Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
best first i’ve ever seen
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.