I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
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SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Nice try, NASA
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*