Nice try, NASA
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[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.