People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
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People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
? 💀
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
What is going on? 😅
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?