Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
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How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
The Struggle
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
yes… yes…
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo