Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.

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Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!


My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.


Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going


Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.


Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]


One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.


Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth