I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
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Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
this is what they would have looked like, though
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me