A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
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She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Me too
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying